Friday, February 25, 2005

Cyber writing group, what can i do to this?THE REMIX

I own a 2-dollar flask, within
liquid traced recordings of sensuality
predate chalk outlines and
spread-legged victories,
the spoils of gifted penetration.
Hierophant replaced harlot
demeaned by his non touch.
Remember we are given chances,
finger traced sketches in our blindness
(unchallenged farewells on gluttonous lips).
Tongues chained and dry from want,
us and we, our history cycling in 3 parts.
Bonding. Ripping. Flesh shedding.

My dictionary places conjugal 23 paces
before conquest. It lies. I know
his divorced parts in 23 pieces.

3 comments:

nightgrapefruit said...

Awesome. Two dollar flask poems are the best.

I need a break between harlot/demeaned. Perhaps I'm slow.

Bibbilicious said...

Thanks, kiddo! You're oh so right.

Jennifer said...

Bibbi, im no writer or fancy schmancy literary person, but I'll tell you what I think when I read this poem:

two dollar flask...ok good with ya there...liquid traced recordings of...Wha? go back there.

Liquid traced recordings? liquid traced recordings...liquid traced...recordings...liquid...water...honey...juice...liquid...traced...drew...outlined...traces...small bits of something...liquid traced recordings....um...ok lets move on

of sensuality...predate chalk outlines...timeline...hopscotch...homicide...traced liquid recordings...you know that you're on to something there.

Spread legged victories and spoils of gifted penetration:

upon first reading this, I thought about how nice it would be to be having sex...now mix with the chalk outlines and liquid traced recordings...I am wonderig if there isn't more going on here...something sinister and wrong...

(unchallanged farewells on gluttonous lips...no se...lips thirsty for kisses?)

tounges chained and dry from want and we...our history cycling in three parts...bonding ripping flesh shedding...three parts?

1) bonding?
2) ripping?
3) flesh shedding?

conjugal 23
convivial?
conquest?
23 d-i-v-o-r-c-e-d parts?

at this point I just think its really cool that you are that close to your dictionary. I have a short attention span.

this poem is really meaty...I'm not sure I completely understand it...it seems deep, somehow tragic with an air of past violence and or lust...I can't think of any changes to suggest, if that's what you were asking...I say call it soup...that is call it done and publish it...not literally title it soup...i don't think soup is a very fitting title in this case...maybe you could write another poem and call that one soup if you want but you should call this one something else...not soup.

I mean, you know something else...liquid recording thing...or something. I'm tired...stopped making sense a while ago...ignore me.